We’ll be avoiding the entirety of this fictional town, but especially a certain road called Elm Street. Most of its residents—at least the teenage ones—haven’t fared well, ever since Freddy Krueger started his spree of murderous dream invasions. Honestly, we don’t feel safe closing our eyes anywhere after Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, thanks to Nancy’s crystal clear warning: “Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.”

Even though Scream is a witty, self-reflexive send-up of horror tropes, we find ourselves a little more terrified than tickled. While teenagers seem to be the slasher’s main targets once again, we’re still not interested in getting anywhere near Ghostface and the small town that becomes a playground for his deadly games.

We’re also staying far away from a certain restless body of water at Camp Crystal Lake. There’s not much room on the summer camp itinerary for recreation, crafts and games when a vindictive killer is on the loose—and definitely no time for swimming lessons either.

Most people would be relieved to see a rest stop in the middle of the Nevada desert, but we know what this one has in store. Fred’s Oasis gas station is awfully close to the hillside where a clan of cannibals resides, and travelers who veer off the main road make for easy targets.

Things are not what they seem in the idyllic suburban housing development of Cuesta Verde. Inside one of the cookie-cutter homes, poltergeists are preying on young Carol Anne, which makes a lot of sense when we learn that a cemetery was razed and graves relocated in order to build the new neighborhood. We’ve got to say, that has a negative effect on property values.

We’d consider going to Kingston Falls … but only during daylight hours, and nowhere close to the local YMCA. Rumor has it that hundreds, maybe even thousands, of frightening reptilian creatures emerged from the swimming pool one night and wreaked shockingly violent havoc on this small New York town. (How is this movie rated PG?!)